Too Fat For Food

Disgusting isn't it!!!

The answer to the question, "Who ate all the pies?". That would be me then, along with anything else I can find.

I recently visited the doctor for a completely unrelated complaint and found myself divulging my food issues. He helpfully suggested talking therapies which I accepted, grateful finally to seem to make progress in the getting help department. As it turned out, not so simple. I received a letter with a number to call, fine, difficult but fine, I plucked up the courage to call, the made a telephone appointment for me and explained that if I missed the call they would discharge me. Ok, I would make an effort to remember the exact time of the call and ennsure I answered it. Fail. I forgot all about it and missed the call. I thought about calling them back and hoping for the best but all my courage had been used up in the initial stages. I couldn't do it and be faced with the uncaring knock back I would inevitably be met with of "I'm sorry, you have been automatically discharged because you missed the call, you will have to go back to your doctor".

Unable to call them or make another appointment with the doctor, I am left with my problem being back in my hands, so I have choices, tackle the problem myself by trying to get to the bottom of my issues and deal with them outright. I've tried this before it doesn't work. Alternatively I go cold turkey on my drug (food). This now seems like my only option, I need to lose the weight and I need to deal. So today is the beginning.

New rules:

• Never eat alone. (Since I'm alone most of the time this should seriously cut out the calories)
• Exercise more. (Need to get a routine together to ensure maximum fat burning)
• Meditate. (To keep my focus and feel good on the inside)
• Pamper routine. (To feel good on the outside)

So, here goes. Let's see if I can do it this time.

Frustrated

I am feeling compleately frustrated at the moment. I stopped tracking my weight watchers points because I binged on rubbish and felt so bad I couldn't deal with it and to make me feel better I turned to more food. If you can call it that. I'm really struggling. I start off well tracking but still going into my weekly allowance, feeling that although I had a binge it doesn't matter because I'm still within my points for the week. Deep down knowing that it'll get to the end of the week and I wont be able to stop myself.
I've been reading up about food addiction to see if there's any help out there for such a problem as food addiction but most so called experts deny it even exists. I have battled with it for years and I know it is very real. From being really young I used to secretly take foody treats and eat them equally as secretly. Then as I got older and earned my own money I'd buy food at so many opportunities and eat it alone, hiding the fact and getting angry at myself for being permanently overweight and skint.
I have been so many different levels of "out of control", including trying to replace my food addiction with other things that are equally bad for me. I started smoking hoping that would stop me eating, I started buying non food treats, this just got me into debt as I had to do it so often and then still ended up buying food treats.
I feel so alone and ashamed of myself. I asked for help and was referred to a nutritionist which was totally pointless as I know what is good for me and what isn't. Education about food types isn't the issue. I needed counselling of some sort, I wanted to figure out why I was doing this to myself and how to beat it. It's partly about being slim but mostly about the way I feel about myself, my self esteem and personal body image. It was so difficult to find any help so I turned away from the people in the medical proffession and decided the only person that could help me was me.
Then I tried the one thing no-one should ever try. I decided to abstain from all food all the time, Of course it didn't work. I couldn't stay away and although I did loose a little weight I still binged, mainly I maintained and sometimes I gained. Inside I felt as out of control as I ever had if not more so. I hated my body and even more I hated myself, I believed I was stupid and ugly inside as well as out, I felt shame, embarrassment and disgust in myself. I realised it had to stop. I needed to deal with this once and for all. At 33 this has been going on for 30 years, I have been out of control and lost out on so much because of this state of mind. Being overweight is a side effect.
So this last week has been a major slip up. I must forgive myself and start again fresh. I can't hold it against myself. I must stick with it.